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August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Leo)

Read Marutuk’s death

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Virgo)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Libra)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Scorpio)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Sagitarius)

August 2018 Horoscope (Capricorn)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Aquarius)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Pisces)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Aries)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Taurus)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Gemini)

August 2018 Horoscope (Old sign: Cancer)

Marutuk (Old sign: Leo) You may be wondering what part of you is the master and what part is his emissary. It is a confusing proposition, but listen to your body. Your body knows before you know. There are always consequences if you don’t listen closely and carefully. Your upper left arm will tell you when you’re in trouble. Maybe wait for your left big toe to chime in. The metatarsal will sing sweet clarity to your spleen. The ailment will not be severe, but your sense of humor will be challenged this month. You will have to do some embarrassing tests like that stool panel with the tiny, spiky spoon. RSVP to that BBQ. Mingle in your industry. August will bring connections you thought not possible, like spooky action at distance. Particles worlds apart seem to interact and change each other’s spin. Even Einstein was wrong about that one. Trust your judgment and give yourself the benefit of a donut.

Kah-noom (Old sign: Virgo) You have visions of grandeur and your instincts are not wrong to take a chance, but the Sun’s position makes it unclear whether you will succeed or fail. You will have to squint to perceive the magnitudes of your landscape. Don’t make the mistake of making the darks too dark and the lights too light. Also, get really high and do eight and a half hours of childcare. You can learn a lot from children when you’re high. And by high I mean, smoke weed or take a responsible amount of pills. Do not drink; you just get mean when you drink. After the childcare you may allow yourself grappa or eau de vie for a job well done. If no children are available, offer to dog sit; if no dog is available, offer to bird sit; iffen no bird, get thee to a turtlery; in fact, any herp will do. If there be no herptile, seek an alley cat to feed and water. Go down the chain of being until you find a reasonably appropriate pet. In your journal/diary write (clearly) a log of completion of eight and a half hours of care and how you cared for your animal charge. Fungi and plants do not count. Neither do non-bilaterian animals like sponges or corals or jellyfish. If reporting on a supported person, make sure you do not violate HIPPA by leaving your diary unattended in an unlocked drawer with the detailed personal health information (PHI) of your charge.

Heh-fes-tuhs (Old sign: Libra) There are some that may tell you that this is a tech savvy moon. Do not be deceived! The moon only cares for those who bear her waters. Hold off on that big dick digital roll out or book launch until September. The auspices are moldy crusts and will send their velenous spores into every cranny of your endeavor. Neptune will take a turn and its aspect will be that of a fuzzy, blue green fungus. All the retrogrades will dredge up some history that you are bound to repeat. If you pursue your goals too aggressively, your old petards will hoist you high and lay you low. Steady yourself and go the speed limit. Don’t run, power walk. The intricacies of your plans are dizzying. Now you must execute your design. Do not be dismayed by speed humps! They are just corpses that take time away. Tell yourself you will get there in just the right amount of time.

Ter (Old sign: Scorpio) Raise the banners high in the rafters! The time has come to celebrate all of your months of forbearance. Jupiter will show no mercy on your softer parts, so really let your brag rag fly! The first half of August will seem much faster than the back half. Maybe you take that holiday from reality with an avocado mask and psilocybin. Maybe you wake up in Tijuana after an epic bender. Maybe it was all a dream after all like the finale of Newhart. After mid-month life will get harder. Foxes are flying out of a close relative’s/parent’s ears, and he or she is trying to be sneaky about it. Just pretend the foxes aren’t there but at home with the vixens. Gather all of your firkins. Fill them up with your favorite whiskey. Take all of the edges off with and adze of liquor. Your relation’s passive-aggressive attacks will try to turn you on yourself and make you question your decisions. Pardon yourself from their presence for a while if you can. Maybe time to consider them a wedding-or-funeral relative.

Shang-Te (Old sign: Sagitarius) This month you will need to decide if you are a noble savage or a savage noble. It won’t take you long to decide which. Make the decision early and stick with it the entire month. Don’t take Labor Day off. That’s when some fresh-faced noob sneaks in and usurps your throne. Ride hard into the summer’s sunset. Leave it all on the table. Sacrifice your body. Throw down. Roll out. Give it 110% and then give me two more. Empty the chamber. Drain your balls. Give birth to an heir. Did I already mention the dangers of eating pineapple naked in a hammock? Although, the top of the pineapple makes a wonderful skullcap. Give it your all. Be your best you. Burn the candle at both ends. Be young and do young people things like playing stickball or wearing diapers. There is something uniquely liberating in each.

Gih-na-sha (Capricorn) Resole two pairs of shoes. Good value! Walk around until the new soles are seasoned again. Find yourself some cobblestoned streets, march upon the pinecones of the forest floor or scramble upon craggy outcrops or hop on dry flowstones. When the soles are seasoned make a small sacrifice: skip your medication, drain your account and write a bad check on purpose. Life is not without its risks. Taste some bizarre desserts from a culture that is exotic to you. BBQ shortbread. Banana ketchup leather. Love a shiksa. Cuddle a barbarian.

Hahp-e (Old sign: Aquarius) The wheat berries droop, bloody tears of the morn. The earth will steam and a ghost will come back from another life. Do not be phased by a sudden change in its countenance. There could be many reasons why the apparition is screaming your name. You will hear the ghost in your mind, not because the ghost is in there; this is a perfectly natural response to seeing someone you thought was gone. I wish there was something more comforting than “break a leg.” But there we are. Summer gets tougher as you age. Winter gets a little more bearable. The ice pack is gone to meltwater. You hope there’s enough in the well. You can always drink the neck blood of your goat or the moisture in a can of beans.

Hehk-eht (Old sign: Pisces) For August as a thought-action experiment, eat only what you think your favorite superhero/prophet would eat. My favorite is Supersheik. The diet can be your best guess, educated or otherwise. Your choice can be completely uninformed. Only thing that matters is the sincere attempt in the thought-action experiment. Outcomes may vary, but loaves and fishes come to mind. Be creative: dust off the tuna fish cans and mix up the flesh (discard or recycle the can) with some mayo and relish and onions. Maybe some paprika? Go crazy. Spread it on crusty bread. Preferably sourdough. You must be fortified to withstand retrograde Neptune’s manipulations. Omega fatty acids won’t protect you forever but it’s a good start. Go spearfishing or, if you can’t find a suitable body of water, spear something on dry land. You will feel accomplished having foraged something on your own.

Kah-le (Old sign: Aries) Blow your shofar of justice, pilgrim! The Universe is middle aged, and time is speeding up. Five minutes aren’t what they used to be. This August will have the feel of a day. The month will have a pronounced dawn, daytime, evening and night. The night may not be too dreary, but the sunset will be unbearable. Wear heavy sunblock, even if you are darkly complected. Expect the dawn-to-day transition to be your peak this month. One envisions scraping by in the daytime and winces. Sock away whatever extra necessities you can. An extra package of frozen burritos never hurts. Tattered winter months will arrive soon enough. Critically, while you’re thinking of it, take that trip to the dump or the graveyard that you’ve been putting off. Purging season does not begin in earnest until the harvest, but you have a way of fat-assing through the end of summer. Get on top of your shit.

Ah-naht (Old sign: Taurus) You were alone at your own birth. So alone. That is an unhealthy narrative, but a good metaphor for your state of mind this August. Deep knee bends and a strong reaction to an injustice will counter your pitiable funk. When was the last time you ate a pineapple naked in a hammock? Sound peaceful and alluring? Most hammocks are not comfortable on your bare ass back. Beware bees! There are swarms this month that will challenge your patience. Loneliness will make you ornery. Get out there and do some risky sex. Do battle with a demon. It can be a lesser demon, like the one that makes you buy pantry-sized packages of snacks at Costco; but you will gain more experience from facing a more powerful foe. A ghastly lich will stand in your way toward the end of August. Be not afeard! Burn the peanut butter pretzels, damn you!

Eh-shu (Old sign: Gemini) Eshu, I’m afraid the news this month is not good, so I’ll be brief. There’s very little chance of you getting that money back that you “invested.” We all told you not to sell your rental condo for cryptobucks, and now the Ramirez Family is homeless to boot. So, let this be a warning. No, wait, I can be gentler with an analogy: saw the trippiest thing on a nature show (I don’t remember which; there are so many, and I was so high) and the scene crystallized in my mind your situation this month. At the bottom of the ocean, coalesces a lake of brine. No light penetrates the lake, a mirror of polished obsidian. An eel swims into the brine lake to capture an easy meal of brined shrimp floating lifeless on the surface. The briny water makes the eel go into toxic shock, and he twists torturously toward the fate of the briny dead but, at the last moment, springs forth to the safety of ocean water and manages to survive. You may take a big risk but consider the reward of living even with the glancing damages.

Tah-na (Old sign: Cancer) No good news for you either, Tane’. The pine beetles are chewing away at the roots. The tops of the trees are bowing and will not recover. Make plans for taking them down. You cannot afford a full collapse now. Acquire an oxygen mask, not metaphorically, literally get yourself tanks of oxygen and a mask. August 20th will bring Saturn’s minor aspect and get you on board with resolving your deeper conflicts. Be efficient, be resolute. Make a list of the conflicts. Analyze the level of difficulty of each resolution and start to triage the victims. When the triage is complete, then burn the list (turn off the oxygen first) and sleep (turn oxygen back on). Sleep deeply. Take sedatives if you must! You will see that the refreshment of deeply medicated sleep over a two-to-four-week period is well worth your detachment from reality.